WHAT DO ASEXUAL & AROMANTIC MEAN?
What is asexuality?
Asexuality is an orientation defined by a lack of sexual attraction. This means that an asexual (or ‘ace’) person experiences little or no sexual draw towards others, and has little or no desire to have sexual relationships with other people. However, the asexual spectrum has many nuanced identities that fall under the umbrella term ‘asexual’. Some of the more common ones are greysexuality or grey-asexuality, where someone experiences sexual attraction rarely or infrequently. Another common identity is demisexuality or demi-asexuality, where someone only experiences sexual attraction after forming a close emotional or romantic bond with another person. There are many other identities on the ace spectrum (check out our Glossary to find out about them!), but what they all have in common is the lack, to varying extents, of sexual attraction.
What is aromanticism?
Aromanticism is an orientation characterised by a lack of romantic attraction. While asexuality is a sexual orientation, aromanticism is a romantic orientation, and the two don’t necessarily correlate. Someone may be asexual but not aromantic, or vice versa, or they may be on both spectrums. An aromantic (or ‘aro’) person experiences little to no romantic attraction towards other people, and has little or no desire to form a romantic relationship with anyone. Like asexuality, aromanticism is a spectrum, which includes grey-romanticism or grey-aromanticism, where someone occasionally or rarely experiences romantic attraction, and demi-romanticism or demi-aromanticism, where someone only experiences romantic attraction after forming a strong emotional bond with another person. ‘Aromanticism’ is considered an umbrella term that encompasses all the identities that fall on the aromantic spectrum.
What’s the difference between sexual and romantic orientation?
Asexuality and aromanticism are both orientations characterised by a lack of attraction, but they fall on different spectrums of attraction. What is considered sexual attraction and what is considered romantic attraction is quite subjective and complicated, but broadly, sexual attraction can be considered a physical desire for partnered sexual activity, while romantic attraction can be thought of as more emotion-based, although demonstrations of romantic affection might include physical gestures such as holding hands, cuddling, or kissing — it varies from person to person. It’s not uncommon for people’s sexual orientation and romantic orientation to be different, especially within the ace/aro community, where someone might be asexual but not aromantic, or vice versa, but many people whose orientations align may never have thought to separate the two (and that’s OK too!).
Sexual orientation vs. sex drive
Here’s a catch: what’s not a sign of your (a)sexuality is your sex drive or ‘libido’. Your libido is different from your sexual orientation: sexual attraction is directed at other people, while your libido is undirected; it’s your desire or impulse to experience sexual satisfaction. If you have a high libido, you will experience sexual urges or desires, which might be satisfied with or without the involvement of another person. You might have sexual fantasies, or enjoy sexually explicit content. If you have a low or non-existent libido, then you won’t experience sexual urges. Some ace people do have a libido, but what they don’t experience is finding other people sexually attractive. If you experience arousal but don’t have any desire to share your sexuality with anyone else, you might be asexual. On the flip side, you might be completely grossed out by any sexual activity, whether it involves you or not (see ‘sex repulsion’ in our Glossary). Both kinds of asexuals exist, and neither one is ‘more’ ace than the other.
How do I know if I’m asexual?
If you feel like you’re on the ace spectrum, then you probably are! It’s completely a matter of self-identification, and if you’re questioning it, then that’s probably a good hint that you might be ace and/or aro. There is no official check-list for characteristics that will definitively ‘prove’ you’re ace, although there are some common features which might indicate you’re on the spectrum. Please bear in mind that these are just how some people experience asexuality, and you might experience none of these things but still be on the spectrum, or you might experience some and not be on the spectrum — it’s up to you whether you feel that ‘ace’ is a term you identify with.
You might be asexual if…
How do I know if I’m aromantic?
Similarly, there’s no single shared experience of aromanticism, and what makes one person aromantic may be completely different to another aro. At its simplest, if you aren’t romantically interested in other people, or you have little or no desire to have a romantic relationship, you’re probably on the aromantic spectrum. Here are a few things that you might relate to if you’re aromantic:
If you think you might be asexual and/or aromantic and want to talk to someone who can tell you more and introduce you to the Oxford ace/aro community, feel free to contact the Society’s Ace/Aro Rep at [email protected].
What is asexuality?
Asexuality is an orientation defined by a lack of sexual attraction. This means that an asexual (or ‘ace’) person experiences little or no sexual draw towards others, and has little or no desire to have sexual relationships with other people. However, the asexual spectrum has many nuanced identities that fall under the umbrella term ‘asexual’. Some of the more common ones are greysexuality or grey-asexuality, where someone experiences sexual attraction rarely or infrequently. Another common identity is demisexuality or demi-asexuality, where someone only experiences sexual attraction after forming a close emotional or romantic bond with another person. There are many other identities on the ace spectrum (check out our Glossary to find out about them!), but what they all have in common is the lack, to varying extents, of sexual attraction.
What is aromanticism?
Aromanticism is an orientation characterised by a lack of romantic attraction. While asexuality is a sexual orientation, aromanticism is a romantic orientation, and the two don’t necessarily correlate. Someone may be asexual but not aromantic, or vice versa, or they may be on both spectrums. An aromantic (or ‘aro’) person experiences little to no romantic attraction towards other people, and has little or no desire to form a romantic relationship with anyone. Like asexuality, aromanticism is a spectrum, which includes grey-romanticism or grey-aromanticism, where someone occasionally or rarely experiences romantic attraction, and demi-romanticism or demi-aromanticism, where someone only experiences romantic attraction after forming a strong emotional bond with another person. ‘Aromanticism’ is considered an umbrella term that encompasses all the identities that fall on the aromantic spectrum.
What’s the difference between sexual and romantic orientation?
Asexuality and aromanticism are both orientations characterised by a lack of attraction, but they fall on different spectrums of attraction. What is considered sexual attraction and what is considered romantic attraction is quite subjective and complicated, but broadly, sexual attraction can be considered a physical desire for partnered sexual activity, while romantic attraction can be thought of as more emotion-based, although demonstrations of romantic affection might include physical gestures such as holding hands, cuddling, or kissing — it varies from person to person. It’s not uncommon for people’s sexual orientation and romantic orientation to be different, especially within the ace/aro community, where someone might be asexual but not aromantic, or vice versa, but many people whose orientations align may never have thought to separate the two (and that’s OK too!).
Sexual orientation vs. sex drive
Here’s a catch: what’s not a sign of your (a)sexuality is your sex drive or ‘libido’. Your libido is different from your sexual orientation: sexual attraction is directed at other people, while your libido is undirected; it’s your desire or impulse to experience sexual satisfaction. If you have a high libido, you will experience sexual urges or desires, which might be satisfied with or without the involvement of another person. You might have sexual fantasies, or enjoy sexually explicit content. If you have a low or non-existent libido, then you won’t experience sexual urges. Some ace people do have a libido, but what they don’t experience is finding other people sexually attractive. If you experience arousal but don’t have any desire to share your sexuality with anyone else, you might be asexual. On the flip side, you might be completely grossed out by any sexual activity, whether it involves you or not (see ‘sex repulsion’ in our Glossary). Both kinds of asexuals exist, and neither one is ‘more’ ace than the other.
How do I know if I’m asexual?
If you feel like you’re on the ace spectrum, then you probably are! It’s completely a matter of self-identification, and if you’re questioning it, then that’s probably a good hint that you might be ace and/or aro. There is no official check-list for characteristics that will definitively ‘prove’ you’re ace, although there are some common features which might indicate you’re on the spectrum. Please bear in mind that these are just how some people experience asexuality, and you might experience none of these things but still be on the spectrum, or you might experience some and not be on the spectrum — it’s up to you whether you feel that ‘ace’ is a term you identify with.
You might be asexual if…
- You’ve never been interested in another person in a sexual way.
- You’ve only been sexually attracted to a handful of people in your life.
- You sometimes experience sexual attraction, but it comes in phases, and you go through long periods of time where you experience no sexual attraction at all.
- You’ve only ever found people sexually attractive after you’ve gotten to know them really well.
- You’ve found people attractive, but that’s never led to you wanting to have a sexual relationship with them.
- You’re not really sure if you’ve ever experienced sexual attraction.
- You don’t fully understand what sexual attraction is, or what it’s supposed to feel like.
- You don’t really get what the hype with sex is.
- You never really think about other people in a sexual way, and you can’t relate when other people say they get crushes — you might think that they’re being a bit too dramatic for it to be authentic.
- You’ve never understood why your friends find certain celebrities or people you know ‘hot’ or ‘sexy’.
- You find sex boring or view it as a chore.
- You’ve pretended to be interested in sex to fit in, or to please your partner.
- You have no desire to try it, or didn’t particularly enjoy it if you did try it.
- You don’t mind sex, but you have no real desire for it.
- You’ve never had a sexual relationship, or you haven’t had one in years, and it doesn’t bother you at all.
- You never find yourself thinking about sex.
- You think about sex in scientific terms rather than romantic or erotic terms.
- You feel uncomfortable watching sex scenes in movies or reading about them in books, or they just seem forced, awkward, or unnecessary to you.
- Highly-sexualised environments like clubs make you feel out of place.
- You’ve always assumed that you’re straight because it’s considered the ‘default’, but you don’t actually find people of a different gender to yours sexually attractive.
- You identify as gay/bi/pan/other, and although definitely you fit that orientation somehow, your attraction isn’t sexual in nature, and now you’re questioning whether you might be ace.
- The term ‘asexuality’ is something that clicks with you.
How do I know if I’m aromantic?
Similarly, there’s no single shared experience of aromanticism, and what makes one person aromantic may be completely different to another aro. At its simplest, if you aren’t romantically interested in other people, or you have little or no desire to have a romantic relationship, you’re probably on the aromantic spectrum. Here are a few things that you might relate to if you’re aromantic:
- You’ve never had any crushes, or only had a few.
- If you’ve ever dated, maybe you didn’t really enjoy it, and there was nothing particularly exciting about it.
- You probably don’t spend much time fantasising about your current or future relationship, or you don’t feel like you’re ‘missing out’ on anything by being single.
- Finding a romantic partner feels more like fulfilling an obligation than something you’re actually enthusiastic to do.
- Maybe someone’s asked you out, but you felt indifferent about it, or even a sense of dread.
- You’ve felt guilty that you don’t ‘love’ or have strong feelings for your partner.
- Romantic gestures seem more like an unnatural routine you’re expected to follow than something guided by intuition.
- You feel freer when you’re single.
- You’re more excited to make new friends or to meet up with your existing friends than to meet a potential romantic partner.
- You don’t want to be alone, but you’re fine with being single.
- You’re not worried about being single forever.
- Perhaps you don’t really get the difference between romantic and friendly feelings, and you don’t have much desire to distinguish between them because it’s not that important to you.
- You might be completely content with platonic relationships like friendships, and don’t hold romance any higher in your mind than friendship.
- Maybe you even think of it as less important, or not important at all.
- You might not really relate to your friends when they talk about their crushes, and don’t feel any jealousy when they talk about their relationships.
- You think that the over-the-top things people do for their partners is kind of silly.
- You don’t see how finding someone pretty leads to wanting to have a relationship with them.
- You don’t feel like you’ve ever ‘fallen in love’, and the whole idea seems kind of cheesy and unrealistic to you.
- Perhaps you find romantic plot-twists in books and movies underwhelming, or maybe you enjoy or don’t mind them, but don’t desire anything similar for yourself.
- You find romance a bit gross.
- The idea of kissing isn’t appealing to you at all.
- You don’t understand how to flirt, and you’re completely oblivious or confused as to when other people are flirting with you, or you have no idea how to respond.
- You avoid going to places where people are likely to flirt with you, such as clubs or bars.
- Maybe you enjoy sex, or maybe you hate it, but ‘romance’ is something you just don’t get.
- The word ‘aromanticism’ makes sense to you and what it stands for is familiar to you.
If you think you might be asexual and/or aromantic and want to talk to someone who can tell you more and introduce you to the Oxford ace/aro community, feel free to contact the Society’s Ace/Aro Rep at [email protected].