Ace/aro WhatsApp and Facebook group
There is a secret Facebook and WhatsApp group run by the Ace/Aro Rep which anyone who identifies on the asexual and/or aromantic spectrum, and anyone who is questioning their orientation, is welcome to join. It’s a safe space where you can to ask questions and share experiences, and it’s also where you can find all the information about ace/aro meet-ups and events. Email the Ace/Aro Rep at [email protected] to be added!
AsexualiTEA
The Society’s Ace/Aro Rep runs a weekly event called AsexualiTEA (‘Ace Tea’ for short), which is open to anyone who identifies anywhere on the ace/aro spectrum. This includes asexuality, aromanticism, greysexuality/romanticism, demisexuality/romanticism, and everywhere in between. You don’t have to be ‘out’ to come to Ace Tea, and you don’t have to be certain of what your identity is — it’s a safe space for anyone who is questioning, and there’s absolutely no pressure to explain or prove your identity. It’s completely OK to come along if you’re not sure and just want to try it out! You’re also more than welcome to come along if you’re of mixed orientation (e.g. you’re asexual and biromantic, or homosexual and demiromantic) — you won’t be in the minority, and you won’t be out of place. Ace Tea is a relaxed and non-judgemental space for welfare and socialising, typically with some snacks, tea, and informal conversation about anything and everything. Our events usually last for about two hours, and people tend to come and go throughout the event. Some people like to bring a hobby such as knitting or doodling, or even work if they’ve got a deadline. Usually our meet-ups are conversation-based, but we also hold a variety of other events each term, including film and pizza night in fifth week. It’s a very friendly and chill space, and hopefully you won’t be nervous to come along, but if you are, feel free to send the Ace/Aro Rep a message for some reassurance!
Being A-spectrum in the LGBTQ+ community
Being asexual or aromantic can be quite a different experience to being gay, bi, pan, trans, intersex or queer, but the Oxford LGBTQ+ Society makes a conscious effort to ensure that those who identify on the ace/aro spectrum feel included in the wider society. Often there’s a stigma that ace/aro people aren’t really part of the LGBTQ+ community, or are merely on the peripheries. It’s true that the ace/aro community is quite small compared to the rest of the LGBTQ+ community, but the Society is very welcoming of ace/aro identities and is working hard to be more inclusive and to improve representation and understanding. Ace/aro people are welcome to attend all open Society events, in addition to the identity-specific events run by the Ace/Aro Rep.
Being asexual/aromantic at university
University can be daunting for people on the ace/aro spectrum, as there is often quite a sexualised atmosphere, with people are enjoying the freedom to explore their sexualities, perhaps for the first time. It’s not unusual to feel slightly out of place or intimidated going to certain uni events where there tends to be something of a hook-up culture, but this shouldn’t stop you from going if you want to! If that’s not your kind of thing, there are plenty of social events in Oxford which aren’t hook-up based at all, such as welfare teas, movie nights, brunches, craft events, sports events, society socials, and so many more! That being said, the LGBTQ+ Society’s general events are open to ace and aro people, and they’re definitely not intended just as hook-up spaces — they can be a great place to come simply to socialise.
Coming out as asexual/aromantic
Like gay, bi, pan, trans, intersex and queer members of the LGBTQ+ community, ace and aro people are often subject to preconceptions and assumptions by others that they are allosexual, heterosexual, and heteroromantic — in other words, ‘straight’ — unless they come out. For some, being ace/aro is an important part of who they are and they may feel more honest and comfortable if they come out to others. Others, however, may not want to come out at all, either because they don’t consider their sexual and/or romantic orientations to be anything they feel they need to announce, or they might be uncertain or hesitant about how their coming out would be received. Because of the lack of awareness and representation of asexuality and aromanticism, the majority of people don’t really know that it exists. An ace/aro person might be reluctant to come out in case the person to whom they come out doesn’t know what asexual and aromantic means, or doesn’t believe that it’s real. Coming out can also be difficult for those who have struggled to accept that they’re ace or aro; any potential negative reactions aren’t likely to make them feel any better about it.
All that being said, many people do choose to come out, and many have very positive experiences of coming out as ace and/or aro. If you want to come out, you shouldn’t let the fact that asexuality and aromanticism are less well-known and understood than other LGBTQ+ identities stop you! Equally, there’s absolutely no obligation to come out if you don’t want to — you don’t owe it to anyone, and if you’re more comfortable keeping it to yourself, that’s completely OK. Coming out is your own personal choice, and it’s up to you whether, when, and to whom you do or don’t come out.
If you’re ace/aro, and you’re wondering how to come out, keep in mind that there’s no ‘right’ way to come out. True, your experience might be a little different from other coming outs: you may have to explain what asexuality or aromanticism is to whoever you come out to. If the idea of explaining to someone what your orientation means in the moment of coming out doesn’t exactly thrill you, you could try inform them of what it means beforehand — casually mentioning your asexual friend (with their consent!), or referencing an article you read about aromanticism that popped up in your newsfeed. If you can find a way to let them know what asexuality/aromanticism is before you plan to come out, this might make it a little less awkward for you all. If you’d rather deal with it all in one go, make sure you have a clear and simple way of explaining it to whoever you’re coming out to, in the event that they don’t know what it means. If it helps, you could even make a few notes. Coming out can be difficult and nerve-wracking, especially when people don’t understand what you mean when you say ‘I’m asexual’, but try be patient if you can. If you’re comfortable doing so, you can tell them that you’re open to questions. Many people won’t have heard of it before, and while this can be frustrating, your coming out itself is a contribution to spreading awareness bit by bit. However, don’t feel that you’re under any obligation to offer yourself up as a source of information; you could instead point them towards helpful resources. Another thing to consider is that coming out doesn’t have to be a big, sit-down reveal. If you’d rather, you could mention it casually in a conversation with your friends or family, and you might not want to say anything more. Different methods work for different people, and whatever you feel most comfortable doing is what you should opt for, if you choose to come out at all.
If ever you come out to someone and it doesn’t go well, know that you can always turn to the Society, and we’ll do our best to help you out in whatever way we can. Hopefully, though, if you choose to come out, you’ll be greeted with the understanding and acceptance that you deserve.
There is a secret Facebook and WhatsApp group run by the Ace/Aro Rep which anyone who identifies on the asexual and/or aromantic spectrum, and anyone who is questioning their orientation, is welcome to join. It’s a safe space where you can to ask questions and share experiences, and it’s also where you can find all the information about ace/aro meet-ups and events. Email the Ace/Aro Rep at [email protected] to be added!
AsexualiTEA
The Society’s Ace/Aro Rep runs a weekly event called AsexualiTEA (‘Ace Tea’ for short), which is open to anyone who identifies anywhere on the ace/aro spectrum. This includes asexuality, aromanticism, greysexuality/romanticism, demisexuality/romanticism, and everywhere in between. You don’t have to be ‘out’ to come to Ace Tea, and you don’t have to be certain of what your identity is — it’s a safe space for anyone who is questioning, and there’s absolutely no pressure to explain or prove your identity. It’s completely OK to come along if you’re not sure and just want to try it out! You’re also more than welcome to come along if you’re of mixed orientation (e.g. you’re asexual and biromantic, or homosexual and demiromantic) — you won’t be in the minority, and you won’t be out of place. Ace Tea is a relaxed and non-judgemental space for welfare and socialising, typically with some snacks, tea, and informal conversation about anything and everything. Our events usually last for about two hours, and people tend to come and go throughout the event. Some people like to bring a hobby such as knitting or doodling, or even work if they’ve got a deadline. Usually our meet-ups are conversation-based, but we also hold a variety of other events each term, including film and pizza night in fifth week. It’s a very friendly and chill space, and hopefully you won’t be nervous to come along, but if you are, feel free to send the Ace/Aro Rep a message for some reassurance!
Being A-spectrum in the LGBTQ+ community
Being asexual or aromantic can be quite a different experience to being gay, bi, pan, trans, intersex or queer, but the Oxford LGBTQ+ Society makes a conscious effort to ensure that those who identify on the ace/aro spectrum feel included in the wider society. Often there’s a stigma that ace/aro people aren’t really part of the LGBTQ+ community, or are merely on the peripheries. It’s true that the ace/aro community is quite small compared to the rest of the LGBTQ+ community, but the Society is very welcoming of ace/aro identities and is working hard to be more inclusive and to improve representation and understanding. Ace/aro people are welcome to attend all open Society events, in addition to the identity-specific events run by the Ace/Aro Rep.
Being asexual/aromantic at university
University can be daunting for people on the ace/aro spectrum, as there is often quite a sexualised atmosphere, with people are enjoying the freedom to explore their sexualities, perhaps for the first time. It’s not unusual to feel slightly out of place or intimidated going to certain uni events where there tends to be something of a hook-up culture, but this shouldn’t stop you from going if you want to! If that’s not your kind of thing, there are plenty of social events in Oxford which aren’t hook-up based at all, such as welfare teas, movie nights, brunches, craft events, sports events, society socials, and so many more! That being said, the LGBTQ+ Society’s general events are open to ace and aro people, and they’re definitely not intended just as hook-up spaces — they can be a great place to come simply to socialise.
Coming out as asexual/aromantic
Like gay, bi, pan, trans, intersex and queer members of the LGBTQ+ community, ace and aro people are often subject to preconceptions and assumptions by others that they are allosexual, heterosexual, and heteroromantic — in other words, ‘straight’ — unless they come out. For some, being ace/aro is an important part of who they are and they may feel more honest and comfortable if they come out to others. Others, however, may not want to come out at all, either because they don’t consider their sexual and/or romantic orientations to be anything they feel they need to announce, or they might be uncertain or hesitant about how their coming out would be received. Because of the lack of awareness and representation of asexuality and aromanticism, the majority of people don’t really know that it exists. An ace/aro person might be reluctant to come out in case the person to whom they come out doesn’t know what asexual and aromantic means, or doesn’t believe that it’s real. Coming out can also be difficult for those who have struggled to accept that they’re ace or aro; any potential negative reactions aren’t likely to make them feel any better about it.
All that being said, many people do choose to come out, and many have very positive experiences of coming out as ace and/or aro. If you want to come out, you shouldn’t let the fact that asexuality and aromanticism are less well-known and understood than other LGBTQ+ identities stop you! Equally, there’s absolutely no obligation to come out if you don’t want to — you don’t owe it to anyone, and if you’re more comfortable keeping it to yourself, that’s completely OK. Coming out is your own personal choice, and it’s up to you whether, when, and to whom you do or don’t come out.
If you’re ace/aro, and you’re wondering how to come out, keep in mind that there’s no ‘right’ way to come out. True, your experience might be a little different from other coming outs: you may have to explain what asexuality or aromanticism is to whoever you come out to. If the idea of explaining to someone what your orientation means in the moment of coming out doesn’t exactly thrill you, you could try inform them of what it means beforehand — casually mentioning your asexual friend (with their consent!), or referencing an article you read about aromanticism that popped up in your newsfeed. If you can find a way to let them know what asexuality/aromanticism is before you plan to come out, this might make it a little less awkward for you all. If you’d rather deal with it all in one go, make sure you have a clear and simple way of explaining it to whoever you’re coming out to, in the event that they don’t know what it means. If it helps, you could even make a few notes. Coming out can be difficult and nerve-wracking, especially when people don’t understand what you mean when you say ‘I’m asexual’, but try be patient if you can. If you’re comfortable doing so, you can tell them that you’re open to questions. Many people won’t have heard of it before, and while this can be frustrating, your coming out itself is a contribution to spreading awareness bit by bit. However, don’t feel that you’re under any obligation to offer yourself up as a source of information; you could instead point them towards helpful resources. Another thing to consider is that coming out doesn’t have to be a big, sit-down reveal. If you’d rather, you could mention it casually in a conversation with your friends or family, and you might not want to say anything more. Different methods work for different people, and whatever you feel most comfortable doing is what you should opt for, if you choose to come out at all.
If ever you come out to someone and it doesn’t go well, know that you can always turn to the Society, and we’ll do our best to help you out in whatever way we can. Hopefully, though, if you choose to come out, you’ll be greeted with the understanding and acceptance that you deserve.
