Coming out is a deeply personal decision to be open about who an individual is, whether it be to themselves, to their friends, their family or even strangers. Coming out is a process that does not happen once, but is a series of moments that can span a few days, a month, a couple of years or one’s whole life. Most people never stop coming out.
Coming out is different for everyone, and while we can provide resources for transgender and intersex people or those questioning their gender identity, they won’t tell you the definitive “right” way to do it.
Always remember that coming out is your choice, and you should never feel forced to come out. Only do so when you are ready.
Throughout the coming out process, you may (or may not) feel:
Coming Out to Yourself
Acknowledging your own gender identity to yourself is the first step in the coming out process. This can be a scary, overwhelming experience. You may wish to explore transgender or intersex identities and spaces online to help come to terms with your gender identity. Another way of exploring your gender identity is through your personal presentation, including trying on clothes, makeup, different hairstyles and more in private. Remember that you don’t have to know exactly what your gender identity is. Questioning is a very common and important part of being transgender. Have a look at the Figuring Things Out page for more information.
Coming Out to the First Few
You may wish to talk to others as soon as you recognise that your gender identity is different to the one you were assigned at birth. Or, it may take some time before you wish to open up to others. Both are completely plausible and valid feelings to have. When you’re talking to the first few about your gender identity, be sure to take deep, calming breaths and explain your feelings carefully and slowly. It can help to write down key points you wish to make beforehand. If you are feeling particularly anxious, know that it is ok to stop and/or leave whenever you need to. While the individual may not immediately understand, you can explain your situation to them in your own time.
In many cases, they will not understand what it means to be trans, or your personal experience with gender. It may be useful to prepare yourself with simple definitions of gender identity versus sex, attraction and gender expression. One to get you started could be “sexual attraction is who I go to bed with, gender is who I go to bed as.”
If they are people who are kind and respect your feelings, they are likely to listen carefully and try hard to understand. If you feel comfortable doing so, encourage them to ask questions if they are unsure of a concept you have explained. This could make you feel more open with the individual and help to start to build a support network around you. You may also find it useful to have resources you can point them to if you don’t feel able to explain everything yourself.
If you have explained how you feel and what certain words mean (link - what does trans mean?) and they react unkindly, you may wish to consider cutting the conversation short. This will allow you to have some time away from the person to come to terms with what has been said. If you still want to connect with this individual, this will also give you some time to explore new ways to explain how you feel to try to get them to understand more about you.
Another way to talk to others about your feelings is to come out to other trans people. This could be in an online forum, to a close friend, or by visiting a support group for the first time. The OU LGBTQ+ Society provide weekly Trans Welfare (Twelfare) meetings during term time that may suit such a need. This is an open, safe space where trans, intersex and questioning people meet to talk about anything - it doesn’t have to be gender, but it most definitely can be! Such a space may help you feel more comfortable, surrounded by those who have similar feelings to you. There is also a secret facebook group for all trans and questioning people in Oxford, you can find more information here (link - Trans Facebook Group)
If you wish to access gender-related services on the NHS, you will have to come out to your GP. Unfortunately, many GPs have a limited, or narrow, understanding of what it means to be trans and are unaware of the appropriate procedures to follow in your medical system. Make sure you know what you want from them before your appointment - whether this is a referral to a psychologist, a Gender Identity Clinic (GIC), or just a conversation about how to move forward. You can find resources online about dealing with the medical system in your country - have a look at this page (link - Information on Medical Treatment) to get you going.
We lend you all the support that we can at this crucial stage of coming out! Remember you always have a place to turn to here if you need us.
Coming Out to a Partner
Being transgender and in a relationship (or relationships) has its own difficulties. You may decide to come out to someone straight away before pursuing a relationship, or you may already be in a relationship when you want to start talking about your gender identity. Both can produce a wide range of reactions, so you should prepare yourself as you would when coming out to a friend or a relative.
You may worry that your relationship will change or end once you come out. Some relationships do end or change when someone reveals that they are transgender, while others become stronger. It may take some time before your partner knows how they feel - try and be patient (as hard as it is!) and remember that they do really care about you and your feelings.
Coming Out at Home
Coming out to your family or those you have lived with for most of your life can be a particularly daunting experience, as they have known you as the gender you were assigned at birth for a number of years. Coming out here can be a very different experience to coming out among friends or at university. Before you tell them your feelings, make sure to prepare yourself for a wide range of reactions - some could be hurtful, while others could be overwhelmingly happy and welcoming. If those at home are a source of support for you, make sure you have a separate group of people you can turn to to talk about your situation and stand by you if things go wrong.
The first reaction from the people you tell may not be how they actually feel. While this is important to remember at all stages of coming out, those at home are likely to react more strongly than others you tell. Try not to analyse everything they say or do (although we know that’s hard!) as it is unlikely to show how they truly feel. Parents, guardians, and/or other important people in your life may blame themselves for your feelings, and are likely to need time to come to terms with your gender identity.
There may be a number of questions about what things mean, particularly for your future, so make sure to read around and ask others who have already come out at home beforehand so you know how to answer such questions. Check out the links at the bottom of the page for some to prepare for.
People at home can become your biggest advocate! Make sure they know how best they can support you. Telling them how you wish to be called and similar small things can help guide people into what to do next.
Coming Out at Work
Coming out at work presents its own benefits and risks as a transgender person. While we won’t go into detail about all of these here, it is important to take inventory of them before deciding to come out in the workplace. The linked guide below by LGBT Health and Wellbeing helpfully lays out four things to consider: explaining gender to colleagues, general legislation, organisation policies and practicalities.
A useful thing to think about is a personal timeline. What do you want to happen at work, and when? Will you need to take time off in the future? Think about how you wish to communicate this with your employer.
Look up the appropriate organisation policies to know how they can protect you. This includes policies on uniform, discrimination, harassment, data protection, taking time off, etc. If you feel your organisation may not have the suitable framework in place, take some time to look at various legislation with respect to gender identity so you can feel prepared if the employer does not know what to do. This includes (but is not limited to) the Equality Act 2010, the Public Sector Equality Duty and the Gender Recognition Act 2004.
Supporting Someone who has just Come Out as Transgender, Questioning, or Intersex
First and foremost, you must recognise the effort it takes to be open about a very intimate part of oneself, and therefore be mindful of how that person might feel having just come out. Let them know that you accept them for who they are, and if that’s a different gender to what you’d originally thought, that’s ok. Telling them that nothing will change for the two of you will mean the world to the trans or intersex person, especially if you’re one of the first few they’re coming out to. Listen to what they have to say, and do not try to second guess their feelings - they know more about their gender than you do.
If you are unsure of what something means or what to call someone, ask. Using words and phrases that the trans or intersex person is comfortable with is very important. While these may take some getting used to, endeavour to switch to the new ones as soon as the person wants you to - this small act will show the trans or intersex person that you’re trying and will help them feel seen and validated.
Asking how they wish to be addressed in front others is also very useful. They may wish to keep it a secret between the two of you - in this case, wait until that person has said it is ok before telling anyone else of their trans status. They may want you to tell others, and if they do make sure you know how they want you to do this, whether that’s only in certain situations or only using certain words to describe them.
It is important to remember that the trans person is still them - they still like the Big Bang Theory and theorise about the Houses of Parliament a bit too much - and they still want to be your friend/relative/partner/colleague! You just now know a bit more about them.
Useful Links and Guides
There are many coming out stories posted on the internet - too many to link here! Doing a quick google search can find many, from sites like the Guardian to YouTube. They may help familiarise yourself with the process. The following links have more detailed information on coming out, with the *starred ones being super useful!
*LGBT Youth Scotland Transgender Coming Out Guide - https://www.lgbtyouth.org.uk/files/documents/guides/Coming_out_guide_-_T.pdf
I think I might be transgender. Now what do I do? By Advocates for Youth http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/publications/publications-a-z/731-i-think-i-might-be-transgender-now-what-do-i-do
Coming Out Tips by TransActive Gender Centre - http://www.inabind.transactiveonline.org/comingout.php
Coming Out to your Family and Friends by Am I Normal - https://aminormal.channel4.com/self-confidence/transgender-to-your-family-and-friends
Coming Out as Trans to your Family - https://lgbtrc.usc.edu/files/2015/05/Coming-Out-as-Trans.pdf
Coming Out as an Adult by Stonewall - http://www.stonewall.org.uk/help-advice/coming-out/coming-out-adult-1
*Transgender Workplace Support Guide by LGBT Health and Wellbeing and NHS Lothian - http://www.lgbthealth.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/TWSP-Info-Guide-Final.pdf
Coming Out at Work as Transgender - https://www.theguardian.com/careers/2015/jun/25/your-experiences-of-being-transgender-at-work
Tips for Coming Out at Work - http://www.trans.cafe/posts/2016/3/24/5-essential-tips-for-coming-out-as-transgender-at-work
Coming out is different for everyone, and while we can provide resources for transgender and intersex people or those questioning their gender identity, they won’t tell you the definitive “right” way to do it.
Always remember that coming out is your choice, and you should never feel forced to come out. Only do so when you are ready.
Throughout the coming out process, you may (or may not) feel:
- Scared
- Relieved
- Confused
- Proud
- Vulnerable
- Overwhelmed
- Uncertain
- Empowered
- Hurt
- Brave
- Exhilarated
- Affirmed
Coming Out to Yourself
Acknowledging your own gender identity to yourself is the first step in the coming out process. This can be a scary, overwhelming experience. You may wish to explore transgender or intersex identities and spaces online to help come to terms with your gender identity. Another way of exploring your gender identity is through your personal presentation, including trying on clothes, makeup, different hairstyles and more in private. Remember that you don’t have to know exactly what your gender identity is. Questioning is a very common and important part of being transgender. Have a look at the Figuring Things Out page for more information.
Coming Out to the First Few
You may wish to talk to others as soon as you recognise that your gender identity is different to the one you were assigned at birth. Or, it may take some time before you wish to open up to others. Both are completely plausible and valid feelings to have. When you’re talking to the first few about your gender identity, be sure to take deep, calming breaths and explain your feelings carefully and slowly. It can help to write down key points you wish to make beforehand. If you are feeling particularly anxious, know that it is ok to stop and/or leave whenever you need to. While the individual may not immediately understand, you can explain your situation to them in your own time.
In many cases, they will not understand what it means to be trans, or your personal experience with gender. It may be useful to prepare yourself with simple definitions of gender identity versus sex, attraction and gender expression. One to get you started could be “sexual attraction is who I go to bed with, gender is who I go to bed as.”
If they are people who are kind and respect your feelings, they are likely to listen carefully and try hard to understand. If you feel comfortable doing so, encourage them to ask questions if they are unsure of a concept you have explained. This could make you feel more open with the individual and help to start to build a support network around you. You may also find it useful to have resources you can point them to if you don’t feel able to explain everything yourself.
If you have explained how you feel and what certain words mean (link - what does trans mean?) and they react unkindly, you may wish to consider cutting the conversation short. This will allow you to have some time away from the person to come to terms with what has been said. If you still want to connect with this individual, this will also give you some time to explore new ways to explain how you feel to try to get them to understand more about you.
Another way to talk to others about your feelings is to come out to other trans people. This could be in an online forum, to a close friend, or by visiting a support group for the first time. The OU LGBTQ+ Society provide weekly Trans Welfare (Twelfare) meetings during term time that may suit such a need. This is an open, safe space where trans, intersex and questioning people meet to talk about anything - it doesn’t have to be gender, but it most definitely can be! Such a space may help you feel more comfortable, surrounded by those who have similar feelings to you. There is also a secret facebook group for all trans and questioning people in Oxford, you can find more information here (link - Trans Facebook Group)
If you wish to access gender-related services on the NHS, you will have to come out to your GP. Unfortunately, many GPs have a limited, or narrow, understanding of what it means to be trans and are unaware of the appropriate procedures to follow in your medical system. Make sure you know what you want from them before your appointment - whether this is a referral to a psychologist, a Gender Identity Clinic (GIC), or just a conversation about how to move forward. You can find resources online about dealing with the medical system in your country - have a look at this page (link - Information on Medical Treatment) to get you going.
We lend you all the support that we can at this crucial stage of coming out! Remember you always have a place to turn to here if you need us.
Coming Out to a Partner
Being transgender and in a relationship (or relationships) has its own difficulties. You may decide to come out to someone straight away before pursuing a relationship, or you may already be in a relationship when you want to start talking about your gender identity. Both can produce a wide range of reactions, so you should prepare yourself as you would when coming out to a friend or a relative.
You may worry that your relationship will change or end once you come out. Some relationships do end or change when someone reveals that they are transgender, while others become stronger. It may take some time before your partner knows how they feel - try and be patient (as hard as it is!) and remember that they do really care about you and your feelings.
Coming Out at Home
Coming out to your family or those you have lived with for most of your life can be a particularly daunting experience, as they have known you as the gender you were assigned at birth for a number of years. Coming out here can be a very different experience to coming out among friends or at university. Before you tell them your feelings, make sure to prepare yourself for a wide range of reactions - some could be hurtful, while others could be overwhelmingly happy and welcoming. If those at home are a source of support for you, make sure you have a separate group of people you can turn to to talk about your situation and stand by you if things go wrong.
The first reaction from the people you tell may not be how they actually feel. While this is important to remember at all stages of coming out, those at home are likely to react more strongly than others you tell. Try not to analyse everything they say or do (although we know that’s hard!) as it is unlikely to show how they truly feel. Parents, guardians, and/or other important people in your life may blame themselves for your feelings, and are likely to need time to come to terms with your gender identity.
There may be a number of questions about what things mean, particularly for your future, so make sure to read around and ask others who have already come out at home beforehand so you know how to answer such questions. Check out the links at the bottom of the page for some to prepare for.
People at home can become your biggest advocate! Make sure they know how best they can support you. Telling them how you wish to be called and similar small things can help guide people into what to do next.
Coming Out at Work
Coming out at work presents its own benefits and risks as a transgender person. While we won’t go into detail about all of these here, it is important to take inventory of them before deciding to come out in the workplace. The linked guide below by LGBT Health and Wellbeing helpfully lays out four things to consider: explaining gender to colleagues, general legislation, organisation policies and practicalities.
A useful thing to think about is a personal timeline. What do you want to happen at work, and when? Will you need to take time off in the future? Think about how you wish to communicate this with your employer.
Look up the appropriate organisation policies to know how they can protect you. This includes policies on uniform, discrimination, harassment, data protection, taking time off, etc. If you feel your organisation may not have the suitable framework in place, take some time to look at various legislation with respect to gender identity so you can feel prepared if the employer does not know what to do. This includes (but is not limited to) the Equality Act 2010, the Public Sector Equality Duty and the Gender Recognition Act 2004.
Supporting Someone who has just Come Out as Transgender, Questioning, or Intersex
First and foremost, you must recognise the effort it takes to be open about a very intimate part of oneself, and therefore be mindful of how that person might feel having just come out. Let them know that you accept them for who they are, and if that’s a different gender to what you’d originally thought, that’s ok. Telling them that nothing will change for the two of you will mean the world to the trans or intersex person, especially if you’re one of the first few they’re coming out to. Listen to what they have to say, and do not try to second guess their feelings - they know more about their gender than you do.
If you are unsure of what something means or what to call someone, ask. Using words and phrases that the trans or intersex person is comfortable with is very important. While these may take some getting used to, endeavour to switch to the new ones as soon as the person wants you to - this small act will show the trans or intersex person that you’re trying and will help them feel seen and validated.
Asking how they wish to be addressed in front others is also very useful. They may wish to keep it a secret between the two of you - in this case, wait until that person has said it is ok before telling anyone else of their trans status. They may want you to tell others, and if they do make sure you know how they want you to do this, whether that’s only in certain situations or only using certain words to describe them.
It is important to remember that the trans person is still them - they still like the Big Bang Theory and theorise about the Houses of Parliament a bit too much - and they still want to be your friend/relative/partner/colleague! You just now know a bit more about them.
Useful Links and Guides
There are many coming out stories posted on the internet - too many to link here! Doing a quick google search can find many, from sites like the Guardian to YouTube. They may help familiarise yourself with the process. The following links have more detailed information on coming out, with the *starred ones being super useful!
*LGBT Youth Scotland Transgender Coming Out Guide - https://www.lgbtyouth.org.uk/files/documents/guides/Coming_out_guide_-_T.pdf
I think I might be transgender. Now what do I do? By Advocates for Youth http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/publications/publications-a-z/731-i-think-i-might-be-transgender-now-what-do-i-do
Coming Out Tips by TransActive Gender Centre - http://www.inabind.transactiveonline.org/comingout.php
Coming Out to your Family and Friends by Am I Normal - https://aminormal.channel4.com/self-confidence/transgender-to-your-family-and-friends
Coming Out as Trans to your Family - https://lgbtrc.usc.edu/files/2015/05/Coming-Out-as-Trans.pdf
Coming Out as an Adult by Stonewall - http://www.stonewall.org.uk/help-advice/coming-out/coming-out-adult-1
*Transgender Workplace Support Guide by LGBT Health and Wellbeing and NHS Lothian - http://www.lgbthealth.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/TWSP-Info-Guide-Final.pdf
Coming Out at Work as Transgender - https://www.theguardian.com/careers/2015/jun/25/your-experiences-of-being-transgender-at-work
Tips for Coming Out at Work - http://www.trans.cafe/posts/2016/3/24/5-essential-tips-for-coming-out-as-transgender-at-work
